Where is the one whom my heart longs for; oh where has my Beloved gone? I have suddenly awakened to find myself in the midst of a very dark and cold night. My soul is tortured, and fear encompasses me. I arise out of my bed yelling, no screaming for the presence of my Lover, but I find Him not! Oh tell me where is the One whom I long to be near, the One whose very presence forces all fear to leave me and all darkness around me to transform into light? I need Him; do you not understand? I NEED HIM! Only He will do!
I have gone outside of my room now, running down the street in my night clothes—in my barrenness and vulnerability, fully exposed to all—but I care not for my one thought is I must find Him. I care not how foolish my barrenness appears or how ridiculous I must appear to the men on the side streets; You see, I MUST HAVE MY BELOVED, and I care not if I am exposed as the true sinner that I am; I care not!
Behold, one standing on the streets…is this Him? No, I fear it is not, but rather, its my leaders…my pastor and now surrounding him all of the congregation…what are they doing? What is that look in their eyes?…Suddenly I feel myself awkwardly uncomfortable and aware of my see-through clothing…you see, usually I am more than just “covered” when around them…I am “hidden” within layers and layers of man-made clothing!…but now, now I am standing before them all, with a mere sheer layer to barely cover me…
I stand before them, the counsel of many…the ones who somehow seem to hold my spiritual life in their hands even though I know they shouldn’t…Here I stand, a crazed woman…probably looking somewhat like the woman caught in adultery who was dragged away to be judged by Jesus…crazed and fully exposed with no time to cover myself…No Time!
What should I do…is there anything, anything that I could grab to cover myself? Anything at all, maybe this fig leaf here…it might cover me just enough that I could stand up a little “straighter” in their presence to ask them how should I find my Lover!
Doing all that is within me to hold it together I began to ask them one by one…”tell me, have you seen My Beloved, the One in Whom I Delight?”… And slowly, one by one, they each tell me how to find the One in Whom I Delight…
One says, “Read the book of John ten times a week, and there you will find Him for He loves diligence”; another says, “Oh no, you must scream and yell, praying in the spirit for hours, never giving way til He appears for He delights in being sought after”; another, “You must run, leap, and dance with joy and in faith that He is there. Eventually He will see your effort and reward you”; yet another tells me, “You have not committed yourself to enough groups and meetings within this body; He needs to see you care to be here and active with the Body; join our worship team and surely there He will be”; another sister chimes in, “You must starve yourself, oh wait, I mean ‘fast’. The Lover needs to see you practice ’self-control’ and know you can deny your flesh”; the final man tells me…”No, no, dear one, you see it is the sin and rebellion in your life and heart towards God and how you really don’t love Him that has caused Him to turn from you; you haven’t sacrificed anything for Him so He left.”
Each suggestion that comes stings worse than the last with the final one causing the deepest blow ever…the crushing of my heart and my spirit…for you see I thought I really did love Him, that’s why I arose…isn’t it? Maybe not, maybe he is right…I must not love Him…
So what shall I do…everything…because even though these request seem to me to be working a place in my Lovers heart that I thought was already given to me by the grace of God, I will do them…for I am desperate, desperate for my Lover and will try anything to reach Him…So my journey into works begins…reading, fasting, singing, praying, dancing, confessing…
By the end, I am and have become the bleeding woman who is in sheer desperation for healing that she fights the crowds, the swarms of people…Pharisees and Sadducees, Apostles and Prophets, Evangelist and Teachers, Children and Elders…Everyone; pushing violently to touch the hem, the very edge of His Garment…you see, while her hope to see Him may have been beaten out of her in all of these years of working and striving, deep down, somewhere so deep within in her that no man has ever stabbed at, lies a thin shred, a wisp if you will, of Hope! Hope that if she can at least make it to His Garment she will at least be healed of her anemic, blood-soaked, darkened, diseased self…so she runs, I RUN!
I RUN! Pushing through everyone and BEHOLD…The Hem of His Garment! A beast of a man is standing before me, between my Lover and I…Suddenly from deep within me, a courage arises…a long forgotten and suppressed bravery and strength…how foreign it seems yet so familiar; it arises within me stronger and stronger…
I push aside this ghastly man standing before me, commanding Him, “You, oh wicked religious man, are NOT My Maker NOR My Healer! And you will step aside, for today is the day of MY SALVATION!” Barreling through, I reach and behold, I touch the Garment! And what should occur…
My Beloved Turns Around And I See Him! He looks upon me with delight and I look into His beautiful eyes of fire, a jealousy tender kind of emotion exuding from those eyes, and I Breathe in Life for the first time in years…And I live again! Healed now and back in the Presence of my Beloved…I have found the one in whom I Delight…Not in my working effort but in my barren, vulnerable, fully-exposed brokenness that finally gave me strength to command the Ghastly Man in front of me to BE GONE that I might have My Beloved!
(You see it is in my weakness that He is made strong.)
And I hear a faint whisper telling me…”You are all fair my love, and there is no spot in you; I delight in you and am with you!”
And I believe! And it is credited to me as righteousness!
This article was written by Rebecca Foster. Rebecca is a staff member at IHOP Cartersville.
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth– For your love is better than wine.” -Song of Solomon 1:3
About three weeks ago the Holy Spirit impressed upon me the need to understand Ephesians 1:17-18. We have been praying enlighten my eyes Lord for what seems like a long time. I have prayed it from my heart, and I must confess I have also prayed it and been asleep (Psalms 13:3).
